i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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