You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
