did you get engaged???
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
