I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
