One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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