I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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