Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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