well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
