can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
