remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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