My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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