I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Randomize
