This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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