If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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