Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
