I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
