we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Woke up backwards on a recliner
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
