Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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