this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
