dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
