It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
