i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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