Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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