I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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