He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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