I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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