a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
