i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
