What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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