hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
