I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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