I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
