If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
