So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
