I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
