i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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