I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
he was CRYING into my vagina
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
