just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
