I'm gonna have a badass scar
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
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Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
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I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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