mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize