Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
