He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
