so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Randomize
