dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize