you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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