I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
