The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
