I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
