Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
