Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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