I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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