Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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