My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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