Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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