The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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