also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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