I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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