No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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