So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
