I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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