I'm eating all of the evidence.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
