I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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