i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
