SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
