YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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