then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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